Today I cried. The past week, there has been much talk about Tracee Ellis Ross’s interview with Michelle Obama and how she grieved not having children and being married. So, with that, came a lot of videos of women, mostly Black women, talking about grieving the same things. How life just didn’t happen in the way that they expected it to be and how painful the realization is.

I go back and forth between getting too personal here and keeping some things to myself. There’s no one in my life who can relate to my situation, nor do I have an amazing group of girlfriends who I can sit down and have conversations with. I keep most stuff inside. What prompted me to write this is seeing a video from a Black woman who loosely said, “grief is keeping you from healing faster” and I just cried.

I’ve been thinking about this grief a lot over the past few months. I’ll be turning thirty-nine next month and my life did not turn out the way I thought or hoped it would be. I thought I’d be married with children by now. Living in a nice mansion in the suburbs with a nice car, a great job, etc. I was for sure that was going to happen for me because why wouldn’t it? But, after turning thirty, and every birthday after that, my hopes for my dream life dwindled to the point where it’s almost at nothing. Which, it probably will be, once I turn forty next year.

While I was sitting on the sidelines, which wasn’t really the sidelines because I was actively trying, hoping it would be my turn, I had to watch people whom I went to school with and former coworkers celebrate children’s birthdays, anniversaries, new home purchases, graduations, etc. Heck, even my little brother has been married for over five years now. I wondered why things didn’t happen like that for me. Why was it so effortless for some people

but for me, I had to fight, and continue to fight for certain things? I’m moving into my third apartment since 2022 because I’ve been priced out. And I often wonder what’s going to happen next year if the rental market doesn’t improve. Will I have to move back in with my parents? I lived with my mom until 2022 and never expected to live with her that long. I was ashamed to be thirty-five, still living with a parent to the point where I never told anyone, or I rarely went out.

I’m grateful for where I am now, but it has not been easy. And to be honest, I do envy those who had an easy life. I know they say not to compare your life to others, but sometimes it’s unavoidable. I’m aware we are all on our own journey, but why do some have to suffer and feel so much pain while others just skirt through effortlessly?

I don’t know what life is going to be like for me at this point. I can not control everything, despite people saying that we can. What I am focusing on is my authorship, this blog, and other announced projects. I’m going to enjoy myself as much as I can and move on from the life that never was.