What I’m about to say may sound odd and maybe even crazy. After watching a TikTok video, I started thinking about stuff from a different perspective. Being unconventionally attractive has pros. Most of my life, I felt my looks were a hindrance. Men weren’t afraid to let me know this, or they tried to play it down. I felt I couldn’t measure up to the perceived beauty standard in American society, Black society, and the plus size society, because there is a standard in all these inter-societies. I didn’t think I was pretty enough, or that no one would truly like me because I wasn’t the standard of beauty. Even into adulthood, every once in a while, I have these thoughts. However, the older I become, the more I am accepting of myself and the more I see things from another perspective.

Now, this is not me talking down on myself. I know what I look like. I see myself every day in the mirror, vs. what society deems as attractive and I simply do not fit that mold, no matter how pretty I think I am. Here are just a few reasons why I believe I benefitted from being unconventionally attractive.

1. Shallow People Avoid Me

When it comes to relationships, I find that shallow people tend to avoid getting close to me romantically or platonically. I remember back in middle school when a few school friends and I were talking about forming a music group. We all could sing and loved it. It was something I was amped to do. However, the friend I was closer to let me know that one of the other girls didn’t think I would be a good fit for the group and the reason was because I was fat. She said my look would throw off the group because I would stand out amongst them. That hurt and made me open my eyes to how shallow some people truly were. Regardless of my talent and personality, she only saw my looks and placed other people’s opinions above my feelings. Needless to say, we never formed that group and I currently do not know what that woman is doing today. I know she’s not a famous singer. But I also know she wouldn’t have been a great friend to me or someone who would’ve stuck up for me. I am grateful my friend told me what she said. It saved me a lot of heartache and possible tension.

Likewise, being unconventionally attractive has saved me a lot of hurt and pain in romantic relationships. I’m well aware a lot of men choose their girlfriends/wives based on looks. Several of those men look for the approval of others, especially their friends. Many men see a “hot” woman and flock to her like bees to honey. A lot, I am going to gamble and say most, place so much value on looks that they tend to overlook character or deal with certain things just because their partner is seen as socially acceptable. Pure arm candy and to make other men jealous. I’ve had men ask me to be their “secret” a few times. Of course I said no because if you can’t love me out loud, you can’t love me quietly.

What happens if that arm candy gains weight from pregnancy or illness? A lot of men will leave or berate their partners. And people want to talk about not being able to find unconditional love when they put conditions on how their partner looks. Odd!

2. Quality over Quantity

However, when you’re conventionally attractive, you tend to attract a lot of shit people. Just because you may have quantity on your side doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll have quality. They can go through 50 terrible partners until they find one that is actually quality. I find when you’re not considered the beauty standard, more genuine people will want to get to know you instead. They’re looking for someone who truly complements them and accepts them instead of looking for that next big photo-op to show off to the world. People, such as myself, really want people in our lives who are legitimate and whom we can connect with on a deeper level outside of looks. The focus is mainly on common interests, morals and values, and is this person a decent human being? Does this person make me feel comfortable? Is this person a good listener? Can I be myself around this person without being judged? I feel those are some significant questions to ask when you’re trying to befriend someone.

3. Freedom to Be Me

Because I am not the beauty standard, I feel like I have more room to be myself or try something new with my looks. Case in point, when Beyonce wore a short wig and placed the picture on social media, the internet went crazy. A lot of fans were appalled that she would dare cut her beautiful long locks. Folks weren’t happy that she’d drastically changed her looks. It was insane how many people were talking about it. Likewise, with the banged wig. Of course she went back, however, she hasn’t really swayed much from her look since then. Now, no one would really care, outside of my mom, if I cut or colored my hair. They wouldn’t bat an eye. Of course, I am not Beyonce status but, even if I was, they’d just shrug their shoulders and move on. So, I have that freedom to experiment because people aren’t looking to me to uphold certain measures.

As a tall, plus sized, dark-skinned Black woman in America, I know that my options aren’t going to be the same as someone who looks like Rihanna. That’s not downing myself. That’s facing reality and coming to terms with it. I’d rather have quality over quantity. If that means it takes a little longer for those people to come into my life, then that’s something I have to accept and continue to live my life as authentically as possible.